One woman threatened to act like a widow if her husband acted single.”
“Hmmm. Wahala dey o. I also heard one saying her husband was using snake as bracelet because his eyes followed one beautiful lady on their street.”
“Woman, just like in the Garden of Eden is letting Satan move her against man. Or why all these domestic wars and rumours of wars?”
“Domestic horrors! How do I start this discussion? It has become so regular these days. One woman killed her husband in Ibadan. One man killed his step-mum’s lover in Calabar. Looks like men are endangered. You feel horrified that the world is coming to an end.”
“Which world is coming to an end? Is it just starting today? Many died hundreds of years ago and many more will die hundreds of years to come. Don’t you think cases of domestic violence appear too frequent now simply because of technology — sharper weapons, swifter communication?”
“Hmm. True sha. You know what? With the Ibadan murder incident, many men are now scared. I overheard a man whose situation is on all fours with the Oyediran saga telling some of his relations recently that he is so afraid of his wife.”
“Why would a real man be afraid of his wife? I still don’t understand why one’s home should become a forest of demons....”
“You don’t understand. He said he has a child by another woman. The wife does not have a child yet but somehow, she knows the husband has a child out of wedlock. And...”
“And what...”
“ She is calm about it. The husband feels the calmness has been very unnatural, very unsettling. Now, the Ibadan incident has upped the ante of the husband’s nightmares.”
“If the wife is calm after knowing her man has been so careless to eat outside and defecate in his boxers, then let him no longer sleep with both eyes closed.”
“Exactly the fears of this man. He feels the wife would kill him.”
“Yes, he may die. And not all deaths attract the kind of uproar you saw in Ibadan. Some are slow and sweet.”
“Slow and sweet death?”
“Yes. Sweet death. You never heard that before?”
“No. Sweet as in sweet potato?”
“Sweet as in rat poison.”
“Ha. Women can be wicked o. Imagine that woman who stabbed her husband just because of what? Because he had a child outside?”
“There was one like that. She had four children for her husband but the husband had one extra outside. She got to know and was cool about it. There was no noise, no issues. She just carried on as if nothing happened. And you know what she just told her friend secretly?”
“What?”
“She said the husband would die eventually. That she just wanted him to ‘play a little longer’ with her own kids before she finished him off...”
“Ah! What monster! “
“Now, the husband should be alert because the woman will eventually get him, not necessarily with knives and swords...could be rather poison. Rat poison..
“HAhaha! A woman scorned and all that. Na wa!”
“Some kill their men alive, like making them poorer than the poorest.”
“Hmmmm. Removing the piston from his engine....But why can’t she just move on with her life? Why? Must she be eternally attached to a man who is as loose as tyres without bolts?”
“ Hmm. Life is not like that. No woman goes quietly into the night. She must show that she is a woman; a species of strength and wiles.”
“I still feel it is not worth the destruction. Look at the Ibadan incident. That woman lost everything- her husband, herself, her name, career- everything!”
“It is good to take it easy. Life does not give all but it also does not deny one all...”
“Exactly, especially when you know that the society simply allows men to misbehave. If a woman makes too much trouble, even her own parents would call her alaseju.”
“ Alaseju? What does that mean?”
“ Somebody given to excesses, like the woman who killed her husband.”
“Where did she get the strength sef?”
“Some women are so tough they can do anything when provoked?”
“And some can do anything to pamper their men when pleased.”
“Exactly.”
“Just as some men can give their eyes to their wives when in love.”
“Yes, like a certain Batista.”
“Who? And what has he got to do with our topic?
“Just listen. Dr Batista got married to Dawnell in 1990 and in the course of their marriage, she had kidney problems which could not be cured except with a donated one by the husband.”
“And the man donated his kidney to his wife.? Wow! She would be eternally beholden to him...”
“Hahaha! She got well, went back to school, got new degrees, and divorced the husband...”
“Ah! Why would she do that? And what did the man do? Kill her?
“No. He went to court, asking for $1.5 million as the price of his donated kidney which now works in other men’s beds... The evils women do. Some till the land to send girl friends to school only to end up becoming unfit as husbands.”
“Women! How can you satisfy them?”
“Really, you can’t satisfy women. But can men be satisfied too? Otherwise, we won’t be hearing these stories of husbands cutting shows outside.”
“That’s a different matter o.. Men are ever satisfied but they must just do wakabout, obeying nature’s law. They are wired to enter as many doors as they fancy...”
“What law? Must you not know that entering every opened (or unopened) stuff will almost certainly lead you to crevices of rattle snakes? You are just lucky most women see you as babies whose indiscretions are most times overlooked.“
“Men are babies? Is that why they love....”
“Love what? Don’t introduce pornography here please.”
“Hahaha! Angry? I forgot you are broke. A dollar is now N325. More domestic horror films soon.“
“Yeah, this dollar stuff is a real problem. How do you expect men to be husbands with devalued pockets? How many men can really claim to be breadwinners now? And women won’t listen to any explanation.”
“Of course, women won’t listen, especially when they know that even in poverty, men are never tired of looking for trouble outside.”
“Hollywood star, Jada Pinkett Smith is my kind of woman. Listen to her: ‘Here is what’s real - I’m not the kind of woman that believes a man is not going to be attracted to other women. I’m just not that girl. It’s just not realistic. And just because your man is attracted to another woman, does not mean he doesn’t love you! And it doesn’t mean he’s gonna act on it. If your man can’t really see another woman’s beauty, how the hell is he gonna see yours?’ “
“ And the husband, Will Smith, is realistic too. He doesn’t waste his time watching every move of his wife. Any man who does otherwise will kill himself.”
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