ELNATHAN JOHN : HOW TO USE A BUSINESS CARD
The word ‘business’ is a cliché, the relevance of
which has attained gargantuan proportions in
Nigeria.
Business meetings- anything from seeing
an ex-girlfriend that one has sworn to his current
girlfriend or wife that he is not sleeping with to
paying your carpenter for the side stool he fixed-
are sacred.
Business partners typically have the
most intense form of relationship. “Businessman
or Businesswoman” is the nebulously omnibus
job description that solves the problem of having
to explain why one is idle or why one has so
much money without any visible or legal source
of income. Being ‘into business’ can mean
anything from importing cheap substandard
goods from China to having a rich generous
lover. Some statistics say that the majority of
Nigerians are into agriculture. That is a blatant
lie. The majority of Nigerians are into ‘business’.
Now, you may be forgiven if you don’t have an
actual business in Nigeria. But it is a mortal sin,
not to have a business card otherwise known as
complimentary card or just card.
It goes beyond sinning to not have a business
card. It is an existential issue of the highest
degree. It questions your identity as a Nigerian.
Recently I have been going about my normal
business, pun intended, without a business card.
When I say I don’t want children, they greet me
with surprise. But when I say I have no business
card (not that I have run out of cards) they greet
me with horror. I get the you-are-an-evil-alien-
that-deserves-to-die look. That look isn’t nice. You
don’t want to lie in bed wondering why bad
things happen to good people. To avoid this, you
must understand the business of business cards.
Whether you are a ‘General Contractor’ or ‘Friend
of His Excellency the Executive Governor’, the
business card can prove to be more important
than the business. Consequently, you must take
care in its production. A floppy, dull looking card
can be an instant business death sentence. Your
card precedes you. Many times that will be the
only contact you will make. Make it nice, firm,
glossy. Or gold embossed if you have anything to
do with His Excellency the President or His
Excellency, The Executive Governor
Make sure you have at least three phone
numbers on the card. This shows you have at
least three phones. No self-respecting business
Nigerian takes this for granted. True, one of the
phones may be a cheap China dual-sim phone
but nobody can tell- three numbers show you
don’t muck around with your business. It is not
your fault that not a single network provider in
Nigeria can be relied upon. Whoever criticizes
your three phones, may their own businesses
collapse.
You need titles. Every academic qualification
must be clearly printed. If you are a lawyer for
example it is not enough to write your name and
call yourself a legal practitioner. That is a waste
of space on a business card. You need to add
Barrister in front of your name and Esq behind.
Then you must add LLB (Hons), BL and any
other acronym you have acquired including all
those management and arbitration courses they
advertised to you in Law School and during
NYSC. Below all of this you will write out your full
title: Barrister and Solicitor of the Supreme Court
of Nigeria. Only another bad-belle lawyer can fail
to see the significance of all of this.
You must keep your business cards handy. You
never know when you will run into someone rich,
famous or extremely beautiful who has no time
to wait for you to search you six pockets and fat
multi-layered wallet for your business card. Get a
nice card holder. Or arrange them nicely in your
breast pocket.
Striking up a conversation using business cards
is an art that takes you everywhere from doing
business to ending up in someone’s bed. Meet a
total stranger on a plane and as you look into
their eyes, put your hand in your breast pocket
and slide out your business card in time to
coincide with ‘Hi, my name is Cosmos.’ It will not
matter if you are as useless to each other as a
condom to an impotent man. A proper
introduction is all that counts. They will take your
business card and stare into it pretending to
care, by which time you will have gotten their
attention.
The rest, if you are smart, will become
history.
May the good god who guides all things Nigerian,
guide you and your business cards to people who
will bless your hustle.
ELNATHAN JOHN
The word ‘business’ is a cliché, the relevance of
which has attained gargantuan proportions in
Nigeria.
Business meetings- anything from seeing
an ex-girlfriend that one has sworn to his current
girlfriend or wife that he is not sleeping with to
paying your carpenter for the side stool he fixed-
are sacred.
Business partners typically have the
most intense form of relationship. “Businessman
or Businesswoman” is the nebulously omnibus
job description that solves the problem of having
to explain why one is idle or why one has so
much money without any visible or legal source
of income. Being ‘into business’ can mean
anything from importing cheap substandard
goods from China to having a rich generous
lover. Some statistics say that the majority of
Nigerians are into agriculture. That is a blatant
lie. The majority of Nigerians are into ‘business’.
Now, you may be forgiven if you don’t have an
actual business in Nigeria. But it is a mortal sin,
not to have a business card otherwise known as
complimentary card or just card.
It goes beyond sinning to not have a business
card. It is an existential issue of the highest
degree. It questions your identity as a Nigerian.
Recently I have been going about my normal
business, pun intended, without a business card.
When I say I don’t want children, they greet me
with surprise. But when I say I have no business
card (not that I have run out of cards) they greet
me with horror. I get the you-are-an-evil-alien-
that-deserves-to-die look. That look isn’t nice. You
don’t want to lie in bed wondering why bad
things happen to good people. To avoid this, you
must understand the business of business cards.
Whether you are a ‘General Contractor’ or ‘Friend
of His Excellency the Executive Governor’, the
business card can prove to be more important
than the business. Consequently, you must take
care in its production. A floppy, dull looking card
can be an instant business death sentence. Your
card precedes you. Many times that will be the
only contact you will make. Make it nice, firm,
glossy. Or gold embossed if you have anything to
do with His Excellency the President or His
Excellency, The Executive Governor
Make sure you have at least three phone
numbers on the card. This shows you have at
least three phones. No self-respecting business
Nigerian takes this for granted. True, one of the
phones may be a cheap China dual-sim phone
but nobody can tell- three numbers show you
don’t muck around with your business. It is not
your fault that not a single network provider in
Nigeria can be relied upon. Whoever criticizes
your three phones, may their own businesses
collapse.
You need titles. Every academic qualification
must be clearly printed. If you are a lawyer for
example it is not enough to write your name and
call yourself a legal practitioner. That is a waste
of space on a business card. You need to add
Barrister in front of your name and Esq behind.
Then you must add LLB (Hons), BL and any
other acronym you have acquired including all
those management and arbitration courses they
advertised to you in Law School and during
NYSC. Below all of this you will write out your full
title: Barrister and Solicitor of the Supreme Court
of Nigeria. Only another bad-belle lawyer can fail
to see the significance of all of this.
You must keep your business cards handy. You
never know when you will run into someone rich,
famous or extremely beautiful who has no time
to wait for you to search you six pockets and fat
multi-layered wallet for your business card. Get a
nice card holder. Or arrange them nicely in your
breast pocket.
Striking up a conversation using business cards
is an art that takes you everywhere from doing
business to ending up in someone’s bed. Meet a
total stranger on a plane and as you look into
their eyes, put your hand in your breast pocket
and slide out your business card in time to
coincide with ‘Hi, my name is Cosmos.’ It will not
matter if you are as useless to each other as a
condom to an impotent man. A proper
introduction is all that counts. They will take your
business card and stare into it pretending to
care, by which time you will have gotten their
attention.
The rest, if you are smart, will become
history.
May the good god who guides all things Nigerian,
guide you and your business cards to people who
will bless your hustle.
ELNATHAN JOHN
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